Prurient Interests

Not yet had the opportunity due to easer break to get in touch with my psychiatirst, so I'm staying with someone to not be alone.
What will happen next? I have no idea, I'm still working at my remote job, but that will become impossible once I am committed, if I am.
Still I am feeling better than before. Somehow there's still hope maybe.

So, you walk around, after a break-up, with work mounting, ever more work even though it's a fake email job, a bit stressed, yeah. And you feel like there's this giant gaping wound, oh it's bleeding, there's some necrosis going on, and the maggots are having a feast.
But everywhere you go, it's ignored, your own mother doesn't see it. Your own mother says "Oh don't you look handsome today." And I guess I do. Let's go.

This is a machine translated letter from Serbian. The original is found under the cut.

E,

I’m writing because there are some things I need to say — things that have been weighing on me for a while, and which I don’t think I deserve to carry entirely on my own.

I don’t think you’ve treated me like a friend these past two years, especially in the last one. And now it’s clear why — because you no longer want us to be friends.

I don’t think you accepted my apology. I don’t think you registered my remorse. Or maybe you did, but found it unconvincing. I think that’s why you said that sentence — that you can cut someone off and not feel a thing. A sentence that will stay with me like a sting for the rest of my life — even if you didn’t feel it, I did.

But of course, if you truly felt nothing about our falling out — and if you don’t believe that I’m still genuinely sorry for the insult I gave you two years ago — then there really is no friendship between us. Nothing at all.
I also feel like the way you ended contact with me was intentional and deliberate — because if you’d had even a moment of doubt in these past 13 months, some small “how are you” would have slipped through on WhatsApp. But it didn’t.
Also, this gay world is small — I’m sure you’ve heard by now that M and I broke up three months ago. Even then, you didn’t reach out.

This past year, honestly, you’ve been less of a human being to me and more like a ghost that haunts me.

To me, you were — and still are — a fascinating person. Someone with deep knowledge, a good sense of humor, and a kind of goodness that, honestly, I don’t think many others ever noticed. That’s why I wanted to be much closer to you than you ever let me be.

But now, it’s time to exorcise the ghost.

So, in short — you didn’t treat me well over the past two years. It hurt me deeply. And I don’t want contact with you anymore. This email isn’t an invitation to rekindle anything between us. I won’t allow myself to become just another WK — or any other W — in your life.

Please don’t take any of this the wrong way. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I know you had your own reasons. I know you’ve probably had your own struggles — maybe even harder than mine.
I don’t know whether you’re in Belgrade or Berlin — wherever you are, I hope you’re okay, and that you find and hold onto whatever it is you need.

Your former friend,
But eternal sympathizer,
Nikola

P.S. If you reply to this, do it only if you truly have something honest to say — something to get off your own chest. Your response or silence won’t change anything I’ve written above.

( Original Serbian )( Original Serbian )